On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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