After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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