I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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