so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
