Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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