Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
