He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
