She is in my trunk
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
