She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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