Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
It was confusing and full of hummus
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
