So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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