She went from zero to smokin in five shots
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
