i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
