Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
