my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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