my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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