I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
