Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
