I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
