I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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