I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
