Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
