you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
