I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
