Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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