Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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