this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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