Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
