Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
