u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
you would pick up someone in the library
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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