life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
