you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
