I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
