You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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