no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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