"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
