I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
