Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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