I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
