Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
