I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
