Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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