My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
