my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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