she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
