Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
