If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
