New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
