Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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