Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
NoShamevember. You game?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
