chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
